Online Training For Parents
- What If Someone is Using Explicit Materials and Language to Ensnare Your Child?
- Discussing Puberty and Adolescence with Your Youngster
- Abuse Prevention Begins with Adults
- Training Yourself to Recognize the Behaviors of an Abuser
- Adults Working Together to Protect God's Children
- What is Done and What Should I Do, Part 1
- What is Done and What Should I Do, Part 2
- Conversation Guidelines for Parents
- The Right Way to Help Kids Protect Themselves
- Helping Parents Protect Their Children
- What If The Risky Behavior Doesn't Rise To The Level Of Sex Abuse?
- Don't Get Caught Up In Excusing Abusive Behavior
- Keeping Kids Safe
- The Bad Guy's Tool Box
- Understanding and Identifying Physical Child Abuse
- An Overview of Online Problems and Risks
- Taking A Closer Look at Cell Phone Video Voyerism
- Talking With Your Teen About Dating Safety
- Blogs and RSS: Oh Brother, What's Next?
- Myths about Child Sexual Abuse, Part 1
- Myths about Child Sexual Abuse, Part 2
- They Think the Rules Don't Apply to Them
- Child Molester Collections and the Exploitation of Children
- How to Determine if Your Child is Being Bullied
- Sex Abuse Prevention Tips for Single Parents: Warning Signs
Lesson 01
What If Someone is Using Explicit Materials and Language to Ensnare Your Child?
(From Virtus.org, August 2004)
By Sharon Womack Doty, Senior Child Sex Abuse Prevention Consultant to the VIRTUS Programs
There are many signs of a potential child molester that are public behaviors, visible to everyone who is observing the adult's interaction with children and young people. However, some signs are not so obvious. Among the warning signs of a child molester are:
- Showing pornography and sexually explicit material to a child.
- Using sexually explicit language and telling sexual jokes to a child.
The use of this "adult" material to ensnare children rarely occurs in public or within view of other children and young people. The child molester knows this behavior will not be tolerated. It is unacceptable in society. So, how can parents recognize when someone is using these tools to trap their child?
Speak Up, Listen, and Learn
Communication is key to learning whether an adult who interacts with your child is grooming your child through the use of sexually explicit material and language. Communication includes talking with your child, listening to your child, and learning all you can about your child's world.
Speak Up
Talk with your child about "adult" material. Educate him or her about the fact that pornography is wrong and that our human sexuality is a precious gift from God that is to be cherished and valued -- not put on display or cheapened in any way. Let your child know that "adult" material does damage to those who see it and to those who are lured into participating in it.
However, don't forget to tell your child that if someone shows him or her pornography, speaks to him or her in a sexually explicit manner, or tells sexually explicit jokes, your child can tell you and will not be in trouble because of seeing or hearing something he or she knew was wrong. This is an important point, and one you must affirm repeatedly in order to foster your child's comfort in disclosing this information to you.
Listen
If we listen to what our children say, we can hear clues that someone is teaching them sexually explicit language or showing them sex-related materials. Children might blurt out language that indicates they know words that they should not know or use. You may hear your younger children using sexual language when playing with their friends.
One of the most valuable resources available to a parent for finding out what's happening in his or her child's life is "car talk". A great deal can be learned about what is happening in the lives of your children while you are chauffeuring them and their friends around to various activities. Listen to what they say to each other in your presence and you can identify clues that someone is bringing pornography and/or sexually explicit language into your child's world.
Learn
Learn about things in your child's world that a molester could use as access points. For example, most children are computer literate at an early age. If you do not know enough about a computer to monitor your child's activities with chat rooms, games, and websites, take the time to learn about it. Educate yourself about the different rating systems used in the entertainment industry. Find out the criteria used to rate movies, television, video games, and song lyrics so that you can make sure your child is not inadvertently being exposed to sexually explicit material without your knowledge. Become familiar with current slang your teen is using. Some parenting-related websites include current "teen slang" dictionaries to assist parents in having effective conversations with teens. In short, keep a clear head and a calm demeanor and continue to learn about their world. Accept your responsibilities, and assist them in staying safe in today's environment.
Bottom Line
There is no easy or foolproof way to know whether a potential child molester is using sexual materials and language to trap your child in a web of secrecy. However, if you talk with your child about these issues, listen to him or her carefully, and continue to educate yourself about how to effectively parent children in the current social climate, you can thwart the child molester's objectives.
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 02
Discussing Puberty and Adolescence with Your Youngster
(From Virtus.org, August 2004)
By Paul J. Ashton, Consultant on Adult Education
Parents often forget the occasional confusion and trauma that come with the physical changes of puberty. Puberty comes from the Latin word pubertas, which means grown-up or adult. Adolescence is another term associated with the span of time between childhood and adulthood. It comes from the Latin word adolescence, which means to grow up.
The many joys that accompany the changes a young girl undergoes when she becomes a young woman and when a boy becomes a man can often be overshadowed by a lack of knowledge and understanding of What exactly is happening to the young person emotionally and physically.
When we use the word puberty we usually refer to the physical changes that take place in kids' bodies. These physical changes make it physically possible for a female and male to join together to make a baby. When we use the word adolescence we usually are referring not only to the physical changes that occur in a young man or woman, but also to the whole gamut of emotional feelings and thoughts that surround interpersonal relationships and changes in responsibilities that occur at this time in their lives. Although these two terms, puberty and adolescence, have different meanings, many people use them interchangeably.
Puberty and adolescence bring about changes in our bodies that are caused by hormones. Hormones are chemicals that are produced in many places throughout our body and flow through the bloodstream. The word hormone comes from a Greek word hormon, which means to set in motion.
Sex hormones cause the changes in a young person's body and make it possible for them to reproduce. These hormones also cause other physical and emotional changes that extend well beyond the capacity to reproduce. These mood swings and changes in sensitivity can create real challenges for any parent. They may cause serious unrest for the affected individuals and their families. In many instances, teens may not understand their own feelings and behavior. It is often an effort in futility to try to understand or find a direct answer to these events. They just "are". What is most important is for parents to give their child time, space, and attention and to focus on open communication and inviting conversation.
While these times present challenges to even the most grounded individual, they genuinely should be marked with celebration or ceremony. Many cultures celebrate this time of life as an important milestone or right of passage into adulthood and mark the onset with traditional rituals. Other cultures greet and accept it in more subtle ways. No mater what your cultural background, strive to be a parent who focuses on the positives and accepts the negatives as challenges to be overcome.
This is an "in between" time in the life of a young man or woman. Often in our society it is referred to negatively and as a period of awkwardness, shyness, immaturity, or irresponsibility. It is a time or period in life that many adults try to forget because of their own painful experiences.
Remember: knowledge is power, and power gives us the freedom and opportunity to make better choices, to define who we are, where we go, and what we want to be in life. The more knowledge you impart to your kids about their bodies and their emotions, the better equipped they will be to avoid the consequences of ignorance.
To make this time more bearable for parents and their teens, it might be a good prerequisite for parents to sit and talk together with their spouse or friends and discuss memories of their own adolescence and puberty.
Here are some questions that you might raise, discuss, share, or think about on your own:
- What was the most exciting and happiest part of my adolescence?
- What was the most difficult part of puberty? Of adolescence?
- What would I like to have known then that I did not know until later in life?
- What fears and unknowns did I face then?
- What would I have most appreciated in my parents that they did not do?
- What did my parents do at the time that I greatly appreciated?
When you gather and share this information, you will help yourself form a plan of action to follow with your own child. It will be the blueprint of how you approach conversations with your children to help them through this difficult transition.
A parent must be the leader in the challenge to come up with creative ways to discuss the beautiful, yet intense gifts that come with puberty. These "gifts" are often disguised as awkwardness in any number of ways. A kind and encouraging word of praise or affirmation goes a long way with an adolescent.
Here are some hints for having a meaningful conversation with your adolescent:
- Keep the conversations brief.
- Use appropriate language and medical terms, and correct slang words whenever possible.
- Be open to any questions that the child raises.
- Never ask "Do you have any questions?" as an opening line. If you do, the conversation will go nowhere.
- Start with your own experiences and use humor.
- But never laugh at a child's problem or concern.
- What is small and insignificant to you may be large and extremely important to your child.
- Allow the child privacy of his or her thoughts.
- Allow yourself the privacy of your own life.
- Have conversations with your adolescent on an ongoing basis.
- Use the life experiences of the child as "teachable moments" (e.g., be in tune with what is going on in your child's life and connect those experiences with a conversation that will help teach your child something).
Some of the physical changes that happen in your child's body may seem to take place overnight, but in actuality these take place over a period of time. This time gives the child time to get used to their young adult body. While these changes are occurring, silence in your child does not necessarily mean inner peace. Be certain that you are the one who brings these issues to light. Highlight the positive and use humor and understating to accept the challenges that come with the changes.
These times of physical changes in boys and girls are extremely intense. The only other time in a person's life that includes more changes is in the first year of an infant's life. Parents need all the tools and assistance they can find to help make this period in a child's life a time of excitement and new beginnings marked by open, caring, and concerned sharing. Good luck!
Brought to you through the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 03
Abuse Prevention Begins with Adults
(From Virtus.org, August 2004)
By Sharon Womack Doty, Senior Child Sex Abuse Prevention Consultant to the VIRTUS Programs
When we confront the real danger of child sexual abuse in our society, we frequently find ourselves focusing on children. How can we protect them? How can we communicate the risk to them without causing excessive fear? How do we teach our children to protect themselves?
Each of these is an important question -- and educating parents about these issues seems the logical place to start to prevent child sexual abuse. However, it is unrealistic to expect a small child to outwit or outmaneuver a seasoned child molester. In many cases, we can help create appropriate awareness for parents who are also trapped in the child molester's grooming process, and in doing so, we can help lift the burden of sex abuse prevention off the tiny shoulders of children.
In 1984, David Finkelhor, one of the world's leading authorities on child sexual abuse, published Child Sexual Abuse: New Theory and Research, in which he defined the preconditions that must exist for child sexual abuse to occur. According to Dr. Finkelhor, there are four elements necessary for sexual abuse to take place. These elements are:
- There must be a person who has a desire for sexual contact with a child.
- This person must do nothing to inhibit or restrain the desire.
- There must be an opportunity for the offense to occur without being observed by others.
- The offender must be able to overcome any resistance offered by the child.
For at least 15 years we have been teaching children to say "no", run away and tell someone if an adult approaches them sexually in schools, organizations, or in our homes. It is important to keep up this effort to empower children to resist the advances of a would-be child molester. But for far too long, we have placed the primary responsibility for preventing abuse in the hands of young children.
Adults must concentrate their efforts on learning how to prevent child sexual abuse. Remember that 60 percent of child sexual abuse is committed by someone known and trusted by the child and the parents. The primary method these molesters use to gain access to children is through grooming -- grooming of the victim children, and grooming of the victims' parents.
Our best opportunity to intervene and stop child sexual abuse before it happens is to eliminate the opportunity for abuse to occur -- item 3 from the list above. To be successful, we must:
- Learn to recognize the behavioral warning signs of someone who is a risk to children.
- Control who has access to children.
- Monitor all programs involving children and young people.
Teaching our children how to overcome the overtures of a potential child molester is an important aspect of a comprehensive approach to preventing child sexual abuse. Learning how to communicate with our children about these issues is crucial to that process. However, the first order of business for adults is training ourselves to recognize the signs of someone whose interest in the children is unhealthy. Simultaneously, we must create environments where there is no opportunity for abuse to occur.
Prevention means taking action before the abuse occurs. For too long, the "prevention" efforts have been left to children. It is our job to keep them safe. It is our job to protect them. It is our job to know what to watch for and to take the steps necessary to stop abuse before it happens.
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 04
Training Yourself to Recognize the Behaviors of an Abuser
(From Virtus.org, August 2004)
Being a good witness can mean having a "good eye" and "good ear" for information. It can mean being "articulate" and "presentable". It can mean being "credible" and "believable". It can mean being "neutral" and "unbiased". And, all of these issues are important to different degrees, depending on the specific role you are playing as a witness. But, when it comes to protecting children from sexual abuse, the first and perhaps most important meaning is, simply, training yourself to look for warning signs of abuse, remembering at least the general details of anything that looks suspicious, and reporting those details to someone who is in a position to investigate, possibly verify your suspicions, and to intervene if necessary.
This is helping you to more easily and effectively recognize the warning signs of a potential sexual abuser. These skills can help you to be more effective in preventing child sexual abuse in your community.
Learning Opportunities
Each of us has multiple opportunities, every day, to practice being a good witness and a good responder to possible child sexual abuse. We suggest using the following opportunities to train yourself to be a better witness:
- During your commute -- if you use mass transit to commute to work (but definitely NOT if you are driving).
- When you are walking in an area filled with other people.
- On an elevator.
- In the entryway or lobby of a crowded building.
- At a restaurant, supermarket, convenience store, mall, or other crowded shopping venue.
Recognizing the Major Warning Signs
To recognize a child sexual abuser, adults in the community must develop a healthy suspicion about each and every adult who spends time with children. We must know the behavioral warning signs of a potential abuser, and be alert to the possibility that someone in our community -- our neighborhood, our church, our school, and even our family -- may be a sex abuser.
Those who abuse children rarely fit the stereotype of a suspicious looking stranger who hides in the shadows. Generally, abusers are warm, friendly, and engaging people who -- aside from their sexual attraction to children -- may be law-abiding citizens, responsible family members, and leaders in their respective communities. A person's appearance provides virtually no value in identifying them as a sex abuser. Instead, we must focus on the behavioral warning signs of an abuser, and we must learn to see the warning signs wherever they present themselves -- regardless of the physical appearance or "identity" of the person exhibiting those signs.
The five major warning signs of a child sexual abuser include, someone who:
- Always seems more excited to be with children than to be with adults and/or always wants to be alone with children.
- Gives gifts to children without permission, and encourages them to keep secrets from their parents and guardians.
- Goes overboard in touching children.
- Thinks rules don't apply to him or her.
- Lets children do things their parents would not allow them to do.
Remember: The typical molester is no easier to identify by sight than the typical doctor, the typical schoolteacher, or the typical parent. Because there is no "typical" child molester, we must look for the behavioral indications that someone is a potential risk to children.
To make the exercise most effective, I recommend selecting a specific warning sign and focusing on that specific warning sign for two or three consecutive days. Every two or three days you should change your "practice" warning sign. Continue to juggle the warning signs until you've spent two or three days of practice observing the behavior of others for each of the major warning signs.
Because each of the warning signs, by itself, can have a wide range of different meanings, you'll simply be using this process to sharpen your ability to collect information about those around you. However, you may begin to notice that certain individuals -- complete strangers, or even close friends and family members -- may exhibit more than one of the sex abuser warning signs. Again, it is possible that someone could exhibit all of the warning signs, and still not be a sex abuser. However, the rule of thumb is: the more warning signs that an individual exhibits, the greater the need to observe that person's behavior more closely -- especially when that individual is interacting with children.
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 05
Adults Working Together to Protect God's Children
(From Virtus.org)
Americans obtain most of their information about sexual abuse from news reports. News reports often focus on the most sensational aspects of high-profile cases but pay little attention to the millions of victims suffering from day-to-day sexual assaults by the people they know -- neighbors, family, friends, and childcare providers.
Eager to "right the wrong", the first action many people turn to is the criminal justice system. Unfortunately, this system is designed to punish criminals -- not to prevent crimes. And the rise in reports of sexual abuse seems to indicate that emphasizing criminal prosecution hasn't helped prevent the problem of child sexual abuse.
Victims turn to civil litigation. Civil litigation is also a tool for punishing the offenders. However, visits to the courthouse do not protect God's children from future harm, and monetary awards do nothing to remedy the emotional damage that permanently scars abuse victims.
There is no quick fix. For prevention to occur, we must broaden our view of child sexual abuse beyond punishment. We must see this as a public health issue and a societal challenge where prevention is possible.
We tend to relate to sexual abuse as if it is only a sexual issue. Child sexual abuse consists of many complex issues. It is a health issue, a gender issue, a social issue, a political issue, a religious issue, a spiritual issue, and much more.
Sexual abuse is more common than most people realize, and more difficult to identify than other forms of abuse. Many symptoms of sexual abuse are also indicators of other physical and emotional illnesses. When adults see these symptoms, they generally react in one of two ways. Either they overlook sexual abuse as a potential problem, or they see sexual abuse in every symptom and every behavioral change a child exhibits. Neither of these is an effective response to help prevent and/or mitigate the effects of child sexual abuse.
Keys to Prevention: Awareness, Education, and Training
Awareness, education, and training are the keys to preventing child sexual abuse. A commitment to shift the paradigm -- to change community perception and behavior -- calls for a community-wide, long-term investment of time and effort. But how can a church or organization secure the commitment needed to get individuals to invest their time and effort?
Although prevention is the goal, the first step is raising awareness. This means teaching adults about the nature and scope of child sexual abuse and how to recognize the symptoms of sexual abuse. Parents and other adults must learn to trust their instincts and voice concerns when they see something that seems strange or makes them feel uncomfortable.
The second step is education. Empowered by awareness, we can use education to examine our own opinions, ideas, and points of view. These are the strong, personal points of view that can blind us to abuse and prevent us from offering potential abusers the resources that can make a difference and help stop the abuse before it occurs -- while the abuse is still an idea in the perpetrator's mind and has not, yet, been acted upon.
The third step is training. Training creates clear distinctions regarding lines of communication, reporting mechanisms, and policies and procedures. The Church should adopt effective policies and procedures for hiring staff and selecting volunteers to work with children. Additionally, the Church should provide training on those policies and procedures and strictly enforce them.
Preventive Measures
The Church can put into practice simple and straightforward preventive measures such as: requiring that at least two adults work together to supervise youth events; having two adults work together to provide daycare during Church activities; and encouraging parents to drop in, unannounced, on youth activities, daycare centers, and classrooms. By eliminating the opportunities for individual adults to be alone with children or youth, we can greatly reduce the opportunities for abuse to occur.
When parents become aware of what is needed to deter sexual predators from exploiting children, parents eagerly support school-based education programs that teach children about a variety of personal safety issues. Additionally, well-informed parents adopt "touching rules" in their own homes -- rules that provide children, from a very early age, with appropriate boundaries -- to help children understand when a touch from an adult or older child is okay and when it is not. Through a comprehensive training program, all the right messages can be focused toward target groups within the Church population. When adults fully understand the scope of child sexual abuse, simple prevention measures become routine.
The Church community can call the world into action and make a powerful difference in the prevention of child sexual abuse. What will you do? Will you raise your voice? What forces will you set in motion? What resources will you dedicate to this cause?
You are the Church. You can make a difference.
Discuss Your Concerns
The road toward preventing child sexual abuse begins with bringing the issue "out of the closet" and into the public spotlight. Too often, people are reluctant to mention suspicious activities or uncomfortable circumstances because they don't want to falsely accuse someone of child sexual abuse. False allegations, though rare, often generate news headlines and frequently leave the public questioning its commitment to prosecuting abusers. Communicating your concerns and asking questions about disturbing incidents are not the same as making accusations. Communicating your concerns -- to those responsible for the programs or activities that concern you -- is the key to identifying potential risks to children before damage occurs. If you see or hear something that raises concerns, talk to a supervisor or call the child abuse hotline in your area and share your concerns. Remember, discussing your concerns is NOT an accusation.
Although a report to child protection officials is not always the appropriate action, communicating your concerns "immediately" is always the best road to take. Perpetrators of child sexual abuse groom their victims and, in many cases, they groom the victim's parents or other guardians as well. Grooming takes time. Communicating concerns can interfere with the grooming process and prevent harm; therefore, communicating concerns as they arise is the best chance of stopping abuse before it happens. Don't be sorry! Be safe! Sharing your concerns can save a child and can help protect an innocent adult from the risk of false accusations.
Awareness -- There are certain "red flags" that indicate an adult is crossing appropriate boundaries in relationships with children. Knowing these indicators is the first step to eliminating the risk of harm. Be watchful and ask questions no matter who is involved or how much you think you should trust that person. Perpetrators may groom the victim and the victim's family over an extended period of time. Sometimes the grooming goes on for months before any sexual contact occurs. Don't be lulled into complacency and overlook the little things. Those "little things" could be the clues to preserving a safe environment for your child.
Communication -- Often we discover that perpetrators get away with abusing children because the adults in their lives are not trusting their own instincts about the warning signs, about the source of their own feelings of discomfort, or about what seems "right" in a particular situation. Any time you have concerns, talk to someone else. Listen to your inner voice and communicate your concerns to someone who can listen objectively and help you sort it out. Your silence may make you an unwilling partner in a growing risk.
Timely Response -- When something happens that raises concerns about the appropriateness of a relationship between an adult and a child, remember the old adage "don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today". One report by one observer can prevent abuse. And no amount of hindsight, wishing, or remorse can undo the damage to the child and the faith community when a child is victimized.
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 06
What is Done and What Should I Do, Part 1
(From Virtus.org, September 2004)
By Robert Hugh Farley, M.S., Consultant in Crimes Against Children
Introduction
Child abuse can happen anywhere. And people from all backgrounds -- regardless of social, economic, or educational level -- can sexually abuse or physically abuse a child. During my 28 years of conducting child abuse investigations, I have arrested both men and women for child abuse -- including those who lived in Chicago's notorious public housing projects as well as wealthy Internet predators who lived in mansions on the north shore of Lake Michigan.
Child abuse usually takes place in secret and frequently will go undetected for years. The victim will often conceal the abuse and then later will psychologically repress these experiences -- in some cases for years. Children often will know no limits for their acceptance of the child abuser's actions. The "love" or "friendship" between a child and the abuser ensures that these acts of cruelty will go undetected by the other members of the community.
Transfer of Blame
One commonality that is found in child abuse investigations is that the abuser transfers the blame or the responsibility for the abuse from himself to the child. This "transfer of blame" can be a major stumbling block in the initial stages of getting a child to talk about being abused.
For example:
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In an incest situation, the father will tell his daughter that the only reason he is having sex with her is because she is so pretty. If she was ugly like her two other sisters, he would never have sex with her. The child is told that she is blessed that she is the prettiest sister in the family.
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An abuser pushes a 6-year-old boy's hand into a pot of boiling water. The abuser tells the child that he put the hand in the boiling water because the child was bad. Upon interview, the boy tells the investigator that "my daddy loves me; he wouldn't have done this to my hand if I wasn't bad."
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Child pornography, which is utilized by the offender for his or her own sexual gratification, is often used by the offender to blackmail multiple victims of sexual abuse. A predator will tell his 14-year-old sexual abuse victim, "If you tell anyone about what you did with me I will post your naked photos on the Internet and everyone will know you're a whore and a slut."
Because the blame has been transferred, a child who has been abused is frequently consumed by guilt or feelings of responsibility for the abuse. The successful interview of a suspected child sex abuse victim begins with patience, understanding, and an expression of sympathy. During the course of conducting hundreds of child abuse interviews, I have had to tell each child repeatedly, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
Interviewing
In general, a child is defined as someone who has not yet reached his or her 18th birthday. However, a legal definition as to who is considered a child varies from case to case, from statute to statute, and from state to state. Even so, all state laws require a mandated reporter to immediately report suspected child abuse to the appropriate authorities.
The actual interview of a victim of child sexual abuse or child physical abuse is a complex interplay of questioning, comforting, and counseling. School personnel, social workers and the clergy rarely possess the specialized skills, training, and legal background required to interview a child abuse victim successfully. When a child comes forward and makes a disclosure of child abuse, the mandated reporter should confirm that the child is safe and then make a report. It is not necessary for the mandated reporter to identify details or to confirm the specifics of the abuse.
Once the mandated reporter has made a report, a professional is assigned to conduct an investigation -- which includes a child abuse interview. This professional can be either a child protective service worker or a police juvenile officer. In addition to conducting the child abuse interview, the professional is trained to emphasize the therapeutic needs of the child -- before, during, and following the interview.
Child Advocacy Center
In many situations, an appointment is made to interview the suspected child abuse victim at a Child Advocacy Center. The center is generally at a central location that's easily accessible to many communities. The Child Advocacy Center provides the perfect working environment for the investigative multidisciplinary team, or what is commonly referred to as the MDT.
Multidisciplinary teams, across the United States, vary in their composition, but typically they include a core representing law enforcement, child protective services, pediatricians, social workers, mental health professionals or therapists, and the prosecutor. A basic philosophy shapes the Child Advocacy Center: With a multidisciplinary team, the number of child interviews is reduced, thereby decreasing the trauma to the child and the family.
The multidisciplinary team gathers at the center and then observes the victim sensitive interview (what is called the VSI) through a one-way mirror in a special child-friendly interview room. The purpose of the forensic child sensitive interview, which is conducted at the center, is to determine whether or not a crime has occurred and to assess the child's safety in his or her current living environment. Often the Child Advocacy Center will provide on-site medical exams, treatment, and follow-up counseling. Most centers investigate child sexual abuse and serious physical child abuse.
Location
It is critical to select the right location to conduct the interview of a suspected child victim. Conducting the interview in the school principal's office, for example, implies a negative connotation, which confirms to the child that he or she has done something wrong. An empty classroom or a library is a more appropriate setting than the principal's office. There should also be room for the child to get up and move about. And the interview environment should have a safe and open feeling about it.
Once the interview begins there should be no interruptions such as a teacher, student, or secretary walking into the room unannounced. There should also be minimal distractions. Such distractions might include the ringing of an office telephone, the buzzing of cell phone, or loud music playing in the background.
The interviewer should never sit behind a desk to interview a child suspected of being abused. The desk is viewed by the child as a barrier for the interviewer to hide behind. I have personally found that my most successful child abuse interviews occurred when I simply sat on the floor with the child. Showing a child that you are willing to sit on the floor will indicate that "I may look like an adult but I can still act just like a kid." I have successfully used this sitting-on-the-floor technique with all ages of children up to age 18.
Conclusion
When talking to a child suspected of being an abuse victim, the interviewer must remain neutral and not rush to any judgment. In some situations there may be a simple explanation for a school's suspicions other than child abuse. In other situations, the sexual abuse of a child may be corroborated within a few minutes.
The interviewer must remember that, in some cases, the child simply will not tell or disclose the abuse. If this should occur, the interviewer must respect the child's decision and simply say, "Later on, if you ever want to talk to me about anything, I would be happy to talk to you -- any time you'd like to talk."
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 07
What is Done and What Should I Do, Part 2
(From Virtus.org, October 2004)
By Robert Hugh Farley, M.S., Consultant in Crimes Against Children
Editor's Note
In this second part of our ongoing series on the child abuse interview process, we take a closer look at the dynamics of interviewing a child who is the victim of a preferential child molester.
While the focus of the article is on describing the perpetrator's characteristics and interviewing the victim, we want to strongly remind our readers that the interviewing of victims should be left to child protection authorities and specially trained law enforcement officers. Why? Because improper interviewing techniques can bring further damage to an already wounded victim, and can complicate suspicions or allegations -- sometimes to the point of giving the abuser an easy way out.
We present this information in the spirit of understanding -- to help caring adults within the faith community to better understand the manipulative means that abusers use to hook their victims, and to help faith communities better understand how to respond appropriately to assure that abuse ends, appropriate justice is served, and everyone affected is offered the maximum opportunity for healing.
Introduction
In Part 1 of this series, we told you that the actual interview of a victim of child sexual abuse or child physical abuse is a complex interplay of questioning, comforting, and counseling. School personnel, social workers, and the clergy rarely possess the specialized skills, training, and legal background required to interview a child abuse victim successfully.
Then, we began to describe how the process works, and to provide insight into why most adults should avoid asking the victim lots of questions, and should instead focus on getting child protection and law enforcement authorities involved.
In this article, we explore preferential child molesters, and some of the complexities involved in properly interviewing their victims.
Defining the problem
The sexual victimization of children ranges from one-on-one "intrafamilial" (within the family) sexual abuse, to multi-victim "extrafamilial" (outside the family) sexual abuse. The term "child exploitation" refers to various forms of multi-victim extrafamilial abuse involving pornography, child pornography, and/or computers.
The term "preferential child molester" is a descriptive label that was developed by the FBI Behavioral Science Unit, which is used to identify a certain type of child sex offender. When testifying in court, as an expert witness for the U.S. Attorney's Office, I use the term preferential child molester rather than the commonly used clinical term "pedophile" when referring to this offender or describing his or her behavior with children.
Preferential child molesters possess certain characteristics -- the most significant of which is a true sexual interest in children. In addition they are gender-specific, which means their sexual interest is having sex with either boys or girls. They are also age-specific, which means that they are interested exclusively in either pubescent or pre-pubescent children. For example, one preferential child molester that I arrested was interested in molesting pre-pubescent girls. As his victim began getting older, developing breasts and body hair, the molester lost interest in this girl. He then began to molest a much younger girl. I have found that it is frequently the "age" of the child that excites this type of offender.
During their lifetime, preferential child molesters leave behind many victims. In addition, preferential child molesters utilize the same seduction techniques, over and over again. Plus, they typically possess a collection of child pornography and child erotica -- some of which is homemade. Once identified, this long-term and persistent pattern of behavior frequently makes preferential child molesters moderately easy for police to identify.
The dynamic surrounding the victim
One of the most difficult interviews to conduct is with the victim of a preferential child molester. This molester is often described as the "pillar of the community" or a "real nice guy". The preferential molester typically controls his or her victims by seducing them with attention, affection, kindness, and gifts. This is done until the molester has lowered the victim's inhibitions and gained the victim's cooperation. Because of the "seduction", the victim may voluntarily return to the offender and be repeatedly molested.
The community often finds this concept difficult to understand. If a victim is molested by a teacher, a police officer, or member of the clergy, why does the child "allow" it to continue? Because the victim has been carefully chosen by the molester based on certain characteristics exhibited by the victim. The victim may not even realize he or she is a victim. Unfortunately, because of the circumstances surrounding the seduction, the victim may have many positive feelings for the offender, and may even resent the police being notified of the abuse.
Many victims are concerned about the reaction of their friends or classmates. In addition, they rightfully believe that their community will not understand their victimization. Frequently, the victim is embarrassed and ashamed of his or her behavior related to the abuse. The interviewer must be careful to remain neutral and to carefully communicate to the child that he or she is not at fault -- even though the child did not say "no" to the molester. During the interview if the victim asks the interviewer any questions (for example, a question about the offender being arrested), the question must be answered openly and truthfully.
When talking with a victim of sexual exploitation, it is important to allow the victim to use scenarios in order to disclose the victimization. Often, the scenarios allow the victim to "save face". I have found that in many cases adolescent boy victims are initially very likely to deny any sexual activity with a male offender. Even if a victim discloses sexual abuse to the interviewer, the information is likely to be incomplete. In some cases, the child may even minimize many of the sexual acts. The interviewer must remember to never be judgmental when discussing sexual activity that took place during the abuse.
Developing a protocol
Every school, parish, and diocese should develop a protocol for dealing with the suspicions of child abuse or the actual disclosure of child abuse. Most importantly, the protocol should outline the exact steps and the appropriate notifications in making a child abuse report to the authorities. The protocol should also include the designation of a person on the staff who has the responsibility to talk with a child about the suspicions of abuse. This person should be chosen based on his or her skill in developing trust and dealing with children of all ages. The person should also have a list of resources and telephone numbers for agencies within the community that can assist a victim of abuse.
Starting the interview
Preparation is the first step for a successful interview. If a teacher suspects a child in her homeroom may have been abused, the teacher must provide as much information as possible to the staff member responsible for confronting the child during the interview.
This information should include:
- The child's name and age.
- The names and ages of any siblings in the child's family.
- The names and the relationship of any adults living within the family unit.
- Have there been any changes observed in the child's demeanor? If so, what changes, and when were the changes first observed?
- What are the teacher's exact suspicions or concerns about possible abuse?
- Were any statements or comments made to the teacher that would support the suspicion of abuse?
- Is there any identifiable evidence of abuse? (e.g., belt marks, cigarette burns, or other indicators of physical abuse)?
- Does the child have any disabilities or emotional problems?
If a child has actually disclosed child abuse to a staff member, the following information must also be identified:
- Who made the disclosure of abuse?
- What were the circumstances of the disclosure?
- To whom (which staff member) was the abuse disclosed?
- Has the child told anyone else about the abuse? If so, who did the child tell?
- What were the exact words of the disclosure?
- Who is the alleged offender?
- How does the child react in the presence of the alleged offender?
- Has the child identified a special name for the abuse?
- Were there any witnesses to the abuse?
- Was any information provided that that would corroborate the child's account of the abuse?
Family members
My rule is to NEVER have a family member or a caretaker present when interviewing a child that you suspect has been abused. I have found that many children are afraid to identify the offender or to disclose details of the abuse when a family member is present. It has also been my experience that some non-offending caretakers were already aware of the abuse, had failed to intervene, and in some situations, had actually attempted to protect the offender.
Building a rapport with the victim
In order to reduce the child's anxiety, the interviewer should begin by talking to the child about random things such as the weather, musical interests, or classmates. Every attempt must be made to create a relaxed atmosphere. By initially engaging the child in a neutral and non-threatening conversation, the child should feel at ease talking to the interviewer.
During the interview, it can be significant to discover how the child feels about the interviewer and the interview process itself. The interviewer can accomplish these objectives by going over the following points:
- Has the child been told by anyone not to talk about the abuse?
- Is the child frightened of anyone in particular?
- Does the child feel that he or she can trust the interviewer?
- Does the child feel a sense of control over the interview or does the child feel overwhelmed by the process?
I have found that one way of developing trust is to tell the child at an early stage of the interview, "My name is Bob and my job is to help kids." As the interviewer talks with the child, the interviewer should maintain objectivity and be careful not to project any negative facial expressions or body language. The interviewer also shouldn't get frustrated and must never put pressure on a child to talk about something the child doesn't want to discuss.
Disclosure
The interviewer should keep the questions brief and simple. For example, an icebreaking question that can be utilized is, "Your teacher tells me that lately you've been sad, is that right or wrong?" This should be followed up with a question such as, "Will you tell me what is bothering you?"
The interviewer must try not to interrupt the child when he or she is describing the actual child abuse. The interviewer should let the child talk, while at the same time providing gentle reassurance. The interviewer must also emphasize that the child has done nothing wrong.
Conclusion
During the interview, the child should be encouraged to ask questions of the interviewer. If this is done, the interview becomes like a two-way street, rather than a dead end where the child may feel like he or she is getting the "third degree".
After a disclosure of child abuse has been made, the interviewer must assess the immediate safety of the child. If the alleged offender lives outside the home, the mandated report should be made immediately to the appropriate child protection agency.
If the alleged offender is living in the child's house, then the child can't go home from school. In this situation, a telephone call should be made immediately to the local police, as well as to the mandated child protection agency. The police in every state will not only respond immediately to the abuse complaint, but also they can take protective custody of a child that they suspect has been abused.
Remember: Unless you have received specialized training in the interviewing of victims of sexual abuse and unless you are appropriately authorized to participate in the interview process, your first and primary attention should focus on immediately shielding the victim from further abuse and reporting suspicions or allegations to the appropriate child protection agency or law enforcement authorities.
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 08
Conversation Guidelines for Parents
(From Virtus.org, September 2004)
By Erika Tyner Allen, Independent Consultant and Parent
"Whoever causes one of these little ones (children) who believe in me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." -- Matthew 18:5-6
The Protecting God's Children program asks adults in the faith community to take five steps towards keeping kids safe from sexual abuse. The fourth step, "Be aware," reminds us to pay attention to the children in our lives in a new way. When a parent or other loved one sees a child demonstrating unusual behavior, we must remember that, among all the possible causes of that behavior, sexual abuse may be one explanation. But how do you talk with a child who may be suffering from abuse? Consider the following guidelines for such a conversation:
Set the stage
Use benign opportunities to begin the dialogue with your children about sexual abuse. Bath time with young children, for example, is a great opportunity to practice naming the private body parts and talking about why the private body parts are covered and are kept private. Make sure to stress that your children can always come to you with their questions.
Get the facts
The place to begin any conversation about a concern is to collect background facts from the child's life: who, what, when, where, why, and how regarding the child's activities with friends, school, and otherwise. Not only is this factual information important as you start piecing together an explanation about a child's behavior, but also such factual questions are easier for a child to respond to -- much easier than psychological or "feeling" questions.
So, begin your conversations by asking about the simple facts of a child's day: What activity did you do in CCD this morning? Who was in class with you? Who taught that lesson? Were you in the classroom for the entire session?
Ask kids to list specifics
As you ask about the basic facts, make sure to collect the relevant, useful details. If a child tells you that she was at a friend's house for a few hours before dinner, for example, you'd want to ask who else was there.
Ask feeling questions as a follow-up
Use these detailed facts to begin prompting the feeling sorts of questions. If a child tells you, for example, that her friend's older brother was at the house, ask whether your child played with the older brother. Was he fun to play with? Why or why not?
Sometimes it is easier for a child to talk about the feelings of others, so consider asking questions such as, "Do you think your friend had fun playing with her brother? Did her brother like playing with you? Why?"
Do not be alarmed
If a child reveals facts that sound like abuse, stay as calm as possible. Continue to collect as many facts as you need to complete your understanding of what happened. Resist the urge to characterize the revelation with exclamations such as, "Oh, that's terrible!"
By the end of the conversation, however, you do need to convey that what happened is wrong, that the child did the right thing by telling you, and that you will help your child in every way possible.
Allow the child to focus on something else
Your child may have a hard time looking you in the eye when she is talking about abuse. That's okay; let her fiddle with a toy or her dinner. Ask any experienced parent: some of the most meaningful conversations with children occur in the car, when the child has the protection of being in the backseat to create a virtual protective barrier.
It will take all the steps in the Protecting God's Children program to effectively protect children. Your work may not always be easy, but it is always important. Good luck in your endeavors!
Brought to you by the National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. and its VIRTUS® programs with the goal to help prevent, address, and mitigate wrongdoing in the community of faith. Its programs are designed to help adults become protectors of children and to help communities become safe havens for children. The VIRTUS® programs marshal expert resources to develop, implement, maintain, and evaluate solutions that both embody and incorporate the Catholic Church's moral leadership and responsibility for service.
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Lesson 09
The Right Way to Help Kids Protect Themselves
(From Virtus.org)
By Jack McCalmon
Editor's Note
In the teachings of the Catholic Church, the role and responsibility of parents in the education of their children about sex and morals is paramount. The documents The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality (November 21, 1995) [1] and Familiaris Consortio (November 22, 1981) [2] clearly state that the "right and duty of parents to give education is essential." This responsibility to educate children about love, sexual intimacy, chastity, and the unique human experience of living one's own sexuality properly is challenging and essential to the development of healthy functioning adults.
These documents also mandate that parents teach children the things that will keep them safe from sexual violence. Parents are to devote "special attention ... to the children by developing a profound esteem for their personal dignity, and a great respect and generous concern for their rights" (Familiaris Consortio #25). At the time these documents were written, society believed that the greatest risk to children was strangers. "Stranger danger" is the issue raised in The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality (#85).
Today we know that the greatest risk to children comes from those close to the victim. Family members account for 29 percent of perpetrators of child sexual abuse, and others in the community that are known and trusted by the children and by the victims' parents and guardians account for 60 percent of the perpetrators. Strangers, meanwhile, account for only 11 percent of the perpetrators of child sexual abuse. [3]
One way that we, as parents, can help protect our children from sexual abuse is to teach them about their private body parts in ways that can give them the tools to protect themselves in risky situations. The challenge for adults is to be willing to use the same words a doctor would use when teaching children about private parts. For the most part, this is not a problem for the children. They know the names of their other body parts -- this is just a new body part to them. God teaches us that our human sexuality is something to be cherished -- not to be ashamed of -- and that human love is the "fundamental and innate vocation of every human being" (Familiaris Consortio #11). The following article discusses the importance of teaching children the proper names of their private body parts and how parents who are uncomfortable with this discussion can join with trusted educators to present this information in a healthy way, which is consistent with Catholic teachings on chastity, fidelity, and human love.
Why is it Important to Teach Children About Their Private Body Parts?
This article was written in response to a request from a VIRTUS coordinator. This coordinator posed a very serious question: "Why should parents teach their children to use proper medical terms to describe private body parts and their functions? The coordinator explained that while child safety is necessary, some believe that teaching about private parts and their functions is unnecessary -- especially using terms that would cause most adults to blush if mentioned during a church service.
I am not a medical doctor, nor do I know much about child development except through my own personal experience of being a child and growing into an adult. So, some may argue that I am professionally unqualified to write on this topic. To a point I agree. But, the arguments against teaching about private parts have little to do with medical research or child development. Most have to do with whether such training improves child safety and whether it is appropriate for an unrelated adult (someone other than a child's own parents) to teach such safety techniques to someone else's child. In this context, I feel certain I know enough to write on this topic.
First, why should we teach children the proper names for their private body parts? Simply ... the need to communicate with others will lead children to name their body parts regardless what we teach them. If we don't teach them the proper names, they will make up their own names or learn incorrect or slang names from their classmates, peer relatives, or worse -- from an offender. So, for one to argue that children should not know the medical terms or should not talk about their private parts makes no sense because they will do it anyway.
Further on that point, I want to be the person who introduces the proper names of body parts to my child. I don't want my child to be the kid in the group telling everyone else: "No, it's called a thingamajig."
Finally, because children do use terms for private body parts, why not increase the child's vocabulary to include the proper medical names for the private body parts? In my family, we would casually use the word "bum" for buttocks, but we knew that although some people might not know our meaning for the word "bum," everyone should know the meaning of the word "buttocks."
So, why not stop there with the child simply knowing the proper names of private body parts? Why should you discuss with your child the functions of the private body parts -- which will, at some point, include a discussion about sex?
Child sexual abuse is an abuse of power. Knowledge is one form of power. Knowledge about sex gives power to offenders over children who know nothing about sex. When your children have knowledge about sex it gives them power to defend themselves at a time and location when you or another caring adult is not there to help.
People who sexually abuse children often pretend to offer a missing piece in a child's life. If knowledge of sex is the missing piece, you have given the offender an opening to exploit your child. It is not uncommon for an offender to tell a child that he or she is teaching the child about love when, in reality, the offender is teaching the child about sex -- for the offender's own personal gain. An offender may say: "I will teach you how to be a good wife" or "I will teach you how adults love one another." So, when a parent says that he or she is protecting their child by not teaching the child about the private body parts, their functions, and sex, the parent is actually making their child more vulnerable.
On the other hand, if you teach your child about the private body parts, their functions, and sex, then your child is protected -- especially when the child knows that safe adults do not touch a child's private body parts except to keep the child clean, healthy and safe (a responsibility that falls almost exclusively on parents and healthcare providers). By knowing the proper terms and by having a basic understanding of sex, children learn to become suspicious of anyone who wants or tries to touch them in a sexual way. Otherwise, a child may fall victim if someone "really nice" tells the child: "I'm going to rub you here because I really love you," or "I'm going to reach in and touch your brain because I want to make you really smart." A clever perpetrator can create an illusion so complex that a sexually uneducated child could never adequately describe what happened. I never want my child to be in that position, and I trust that you feel the same way about your child.
Importantly, when the offender tries to get to the child's level, often talking like a child, he or she will become unnerved when the child demonstrates knowledge about the private body parts and their functions. If you have presented your child with the age-appropriate truth about sex, the offender's false message will be his or her own undoing.
When a child is educated about the private body parts, he or she is able to communicate without fear if he or she is approached by a perpetrator. But, if a parent is afraid to discuss sex with their child, the child will sense the angst and will be afraid to tell the parent if something does happen -- fearing that the parent will get angry or accuse the child of doing something wrong. It is this fear that helps the offender remain hidden from sight.
Undoubtedly it is the parents' responsibility to teach their children about the private body parts, their functions, and sex. Parents are the primary educators of their children and no person can or should replace the parents in this important role. However, I have no problem with properly trained teachers or other properly trained professionals presenting these important issues to my child. In fact, the Church recognizes that parents alone cannot accomplish the task of fully "socializing" children and should associate with education programs "marked by the true values o
